Conditioned to Give 2 Shits

I legit was worried my new therapist was going to judge me over my hat today. Or yesterday, when I first showed up for our appointment. Which wasn't. But today it was, and I did, again.

But like, he's this burner Buddhist guy and I was so afraid he was going to be appalled at how violent the message on my hat is. But all he said was "I like your hat." To which I was literally like, "Really?!"

And I feel this way about my smoking, when I smoke, about my pot smoking, when I toke, which is all the damn time, basically. I feel this way about having been a sex worker, about having been a junkie. I just always feel like I'm not good enough, that I'm going to get in trouble, that Daddy or somebody is going to disapprove.

In context, this is ridiculous. My therapist is obviously not the judgmental type, and frankly, neither is anyone else left in my life. That's by design, and not at all accidental. I just wish I didn't still/always feel like there was somebody looking over my shoulder.